Expectations

This piece was originally published on Substack on May 19, 2023.

I used to believe lies about how everything works. Those lies simplified a complex world. As a result, I had unrealistic expectations.

I thought the world was small, and it was my responsibility to improve it. I thought that death was temporal, and what really matters is what happens in the afterlife. I thought that there was a grand deity that had created everything. Furthermore, I believed my own thoughts were communicating with this deity.

As a result, I was completely unprepared for existing in the real world. I haven’t figured out what my job is supposed to be. I don’t know what my role in the world is. I know that there’s a tension between how I think the world should be and how it really is.

The older I get, the more I realize the wisdom in a prayer I’ve resisted all my life: the serenity prayer. To accept what I can’t change, I must admit that there are things I can’t change. I would rather cling to the belief that I can change everything for the better.

I can’t change the world. This wouldn’t be so immensely disappointing if my expectations were in the right place.