Human Size

So many times throughout my life, people have stopped me to say, "You are a human!"

It makes me so angry. I am not encouraged to be reminded that I am such a small creature.

Humans try so hard to conquer things beyond our capacity. We enter a world that we did not create, and leave it largely unchanged. We did not fill the oceans with water, nor space with stars. Our efforts of discovery always reveal how tiny we are in comparison to our surroundings.

Christianity is enticing to anyone who feels powerless in this huge life. Our individual lives are short, and we long for a bigger story and a chance to live longer. It is so easy to believe that an invisible friend lives in our thoughts. It is easier than knowing that the experiences in our minds are a blip of life, finding its way.

My partner says humanity is a cosmic joke. I can't help but find this to be poetic and poignant.

We are surrounded by so much horror, so much death, so much suffering. It is enough to crush away empathy in so many of us. Those with the capacity to help others often use their resources to push their own limits instead. They try to climb the tallest mountains, even if it means becoming a frozen corpse, a futile warning to others.

For thousands of years, our most powerful people have tried to conquer death. An ancient Chinese emperor had thousands of life-sized soldiers built to guard his grave, only to have the entire army forgotten for millennia. Egyptian pharaohs had the pyramids built to preserve themselves and their treasures, only for their mummified remains to become luxury medicine for others chasing longevity. Today, the ultra-rich are the same way; investing millions in technology to bring them to life after being cryogenically frozen.

This directly relates back to Christianity, because it offers a way to conquer death. The story goes that a deity became human, died, came back to life, and is still alive in heaven, offering a way for others to also live eternally. The answers Christianity offers are so complete, so full of fail-safes, and so emotionally satisfying, it's an all-in-one deal. It doesn't make sense for it to be real, but it certainly makes sense as a way to manipulate the masses.

C. S. Lewis, a favorite writer of contemporary Christians, wrote some of the most hilariously illogical statements about some of the most seriously harrowing human experiences. He is known for popularizing this idea that Christians frequently reference. In his book "Mere Christianity," he writes:

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

As a former Christian, this quote makes me chuckle, mostly at my former self for taking it so seriously. My main issue is that the word "probable" was a word Lewis could not define. It makes me think of Douglas Adams' wry humor about infinite improbability, basing entire plotlines around the most ridiculous things that could happen.

(While drafting this, I looked up some information about these authors. Today I learned that Adams was born the same year that Mere Christianity was published. What a funny joke of improbability!)

Life finds a way, but entropy looms. Evolution is often misunderstood as a progression, when the vast majority of life meets literal dead ends. It's a non-linear process, with no definite peak or destination.

Anyway, back to Lewis and his concept of heaven: Just because I want for something to be real doesn't mean I should believe it is real. That's ridiculous.

The ridiculousness of it used to fill me up spiritually. I used to believe the lie that god worked in mysterious ways, and what seemed strange was proof of its radicalness. Now I see that these are not explanations, but built-in ways to stop me from thinking for myself.

When I left Christianity behind for more complex explanations, I found that I knew less than ever. Every step toward knowledge blossoms into unknowns in every direction.

It is not a failure to be overwhelmed.

It is human to recognize my own size in time and space.

To be human is not a failure before god. Imperfection is not proof of perfection, it is proof that perfection doesn’t exist. It’s a vague notion in the imagination, always imperfectly expressed.

I still experience spiritual fulfillment at times. It is a sharp edge of emotional awe. I ride that edge physically when I hold back an orgasm, when I try to savor food as it turns to mush between my teeth. My mind reels when I try to fathom the spaces between the stars, but it finds excitement trying to paint thousands of individual stars onto a canvas.

I don’t have to believe that I’m a soul in a body to have the experience of awe. I don’t have to compare my size to a deity to know that I’m small compared to a mountain or lake. Spiritual expression can happen through being artistically creative.

For me, it’s enough to know that I’m part of something gigantic. That gives me a rush. It doesn’t have to be about god to be something outside of me. Evolution is amazing. Astronomy is amazing. I experience wonder when I learn. I experience awe when I reflect.

I’ll close with these words from a beautiful song by Cain Culto, Sacred:

God has been a mother to me
When I woke up to a nightmare, she sang me back to sleep
God has been a lover to me
Tied up in darkness, we set each other free

Everything is sacred
Can't you see and taste it
Just hold on, be patient
You don't have to fake it

Nail mе to your cross
Celebrate thе loss
It's here where I belong

God died ages ago
Just somebody that I used to know