How I Started Meditating

Growing up, I was told that meditation was a way to open yourself up to demons. Whenever Buddhism came up, it was listed among the multitude of “wrong” religions, the ones that promoted worshipping false gods. I often parroted the phrase “Christianity is not a religion, it’s a relationship.” I believed that I was communicating with the one and only “true” god.

I didn’t understand that spirituality is not a competition. I didn’t know that religion itself is a complex thing to define.

I was told that I believed in the god of love, and that “perfect love casts out all fear.” In retrospect, I realize that what I was taught to believe was fearful. I was afraid to think for myself. I was afraid to sit in silence. I was afraid of the influence of demons and spirits. I was afraid of my own mind.

That's why the first time I meditated, I was afraid of what might happen.

I was taking a theater class. It was an elective class for my communication degree, and we did a variety of activities to encourage creativity. Sometimes we improvised or did charades. Our classroom was a stage area for school plays, and the instructor had all the students lie down on the floor. He told us to close our eyes and pay attention to our breathing. He guided us through a peaceful visualization.

I didn’t know that this was meditation. I only knew that I had never felt so relaxed in my life.

I wondered about the demons. For the next several days, it lingered in my mind that perhaps I had sinned by meditating in a group. It had felt safe, though, and I didn’t pray to any other gods. I was confused and curious, but I would not revisit meditation again until I had stopped believing in god.

In early 2015, I took a job as a nanny. My duties involved getting up early, feeding the animals, and making breakfast for the family before they left for work and school. After that, I had the glorious opportunity of having a mansion on a farm to myself for hours. I had tasks, but I could listen to music and audiobooks while I did them. I read many books and wrote a lot, too.

I was obsessed at the time, to my embarrassment, with Jared Leto and Russell Brand. Ew! Both men are awful people. I listened repeatedly to every album by 30 Seconds to Mars, and I read three books by Russell Brand. His most recent publication at the time was called Revolution. The word “love,” spelled backwards in the word “revolution,” was highlighted in red. I thought it was really profound, but I know now I was barely scratching the surface of what I would discover in the years that followed. Brand practiced Transcendental Meditation. I learned more about what meditation is, and decided to try it for myself.

The first time I meditated alone, time felt different. I remember that the sun was growing warm in the middle of the morning, and I was in a sunroom on a cushion. The scene was idyllic. I set a timer and just tried to appreciate where I was. The time passed both slower and faster than I could have guessed it would.

Soon after that, I got the Headspace app. I liked how the founder of Headspace, Andy Puddicombe, made it simple to just sit. They had little animations describing different concepts. For example, there was a short video describing how the sky can fill with clouds, or distractions. Another described watching thoughts without getting distracted by them like sitting by a road, watching cars pass, without trying to chase them down. The guided meditations helped me focus on my breathing, scan my body, check in with my sensations and thoughts, and visualize different images.

I began meditating daily. Sometimes I did series of guided meditations, and sometimes I would just set a timer and sit quietly, training myself to actively notice what was going on inside my mind and body. When I got caught up in a thought process, and noticed it, I would come back to my body and breath. It was a wonderful source of space for my mental world. I meditated every day for over a year.

In the years that followed, I stopped meditating consistently. I didn’t feel like I had time for it anymore. It stopped being a priority, and I wasn’t taking good care of myself in a lot of ways. After I broke up with my abusive ex in 2021, I returned to meditating more regularly.

I also began exploring other aspects of Buddhist practice. I joined some online Buddhist groups where we meditated together on Zoom. I also became friends with people who helped me stay on track with consistent meditation. I began exploring more Buddhist teachings, read Buddhist books, and reflected deeply on ways to apply Buddhist principles to my life.